Crazy,.. I told you, see even the Doctor agrees!

Don't let anyone tell you planning a wedding isn't stressful. For the first time in my life I have had to go see the Doctor regarding my mental state! I have been having panic attacks you see, not good and anxiety attacks along with a load of other silly sounding stuff. Like me a lot of people think of stress as a lazy Get-Out-Of-Jail free card. People say " Oh I'm so stressed" and it means nothing. Well I am. Doctor prescribed medication and I have to go see a psychotherapist/ counsellor thingy. I'm OK with the remedy, but the actual anxiety is scary. I have never been this close to breaking point before. Sometimes I cant breathe and I shake...Well vibrate is closer to what its like. I cant think straight and my head hurts, I give myself headaches. I am breaking out in stressma and I just feel muddy and confused and tight and angry ALL the time. Its horrid. And when did this all come about...? Sine planning the wedding. It's making me literally ill, I could call it off...If I didn't want to get married so much. Health or happiness...??? Hmmmm

Hotel, Hotel, Holiday inn...

So I have been going around looking at venues. Im going to get married in a country hotel!! Its weird, it makes me feel overwhelmed, everything is happening so fast. But if I forget about that then I get to enjoy myself. I love looking at all the weddings stuffs. I took my Mums and Mum-in-law to be with me when we went to the first place. I loved it, it has this amazing spa there and the rooms were modern. Some things I was picky abaout, they had no burbundy seat covers and the carpet isle whatever, didn't cover the whole floor. But I really liked it, overall 8/10.The second place we went to looked amazing on the website, but when we got there I just felt like I was a pauper pretending to be a prince. Everytyhing was so posh and old fashioned. The rooms looked like something I would find in my nans house. Amd how could I ever have sex in my nans house? It was expensive too and wehilst the food was amazing it was a no from me. They didn't even allow a disco for the evening reception! 2/10

The third place I went to see was beautiful. You could get married outside and the reception room was all french windows. I like this place best I think so far. The outside ceremont sold it to me! I thought I wouldn't like it at all, I was really ill when I got there and had the poshest bout of diorrhea in my life. But I loved it, I long for it. 9/10

So my Soon-To-Be called my Dad last night in America. Conversation went something like this;

"Hello?"
"Hi Allen, its Soon-To-Be"
"Oh, right, hello- (they have never met before) -This is unexpected".
"Well, I want to talk to you about something if thats ok?"
"Okaaay?"
"Well, your daughter and I have been discussing it and we would like to get married with your permission?"
"Oh, wow, oh. Thats a suprise, wow, oh congratulations, wow"
"Yeah"
"That is good news, congratulations, wow, of course, yes."
"It will be next year, and we will both be moving down to Oxford, I'm based down there".
"Wow, thats great. God, I'm at work"
"I thought you might be on your lunch?"
"Yes, I was just going, wow, congratulations, that is good news."
"Thank you."
"Well I guess I will see you in the summer then."
"Yep"
"Bye"
"Goodbye"

Or something like that, I wasn't there thank God. Would never have been able to get over the nerves if I was. Bless him, bless them both :)

Ex.Ex.Ex.Ex...tremely Annoying!

Why do ex's have to ruin your good mood? Why do they have to stick their beak in and wish you congratulations? Get over it and stay out my new family. Urrg! Just wait untill I have the ring, then you can plaster that fake smile of yours all over your cheap-ass two bit tramp face.

Its not so much that they want to say congrats, if they truly ment it then that would be fine. But they don't, they never do. If they did they mouth would not look like they just ate a lemon and their arse would not be clenched so tight I could crack a nut in it!

Ahhh... Rant over :)

Mums and Things

So my Soon-To-Be told my Mum today. Bless her little self, she got so excited she brought out a bottle of Champagne and some glasses. I told her, laughingly to put them away and wait until I was actually engaged. I have decided I don't class myself as engaged. Minus the ring I just don't think it counts. Plus he hasn't officially asked me yet. He is only allowed to do it once he has the ring. I'm excited. I put a note in my calender when the ring arrives, it's on a weekend. I hope he proposes then. We were going to wait until we go out to California to see my Dad, but we have decided to get married next year so we really need to start planning it now. I love how exited my Mother is. I love how she is already looking at wedding venues.

He has promised to ring my Dad in America and ask permission over the phone. I'm happy about this. My Dad would like to be asked for his daughters hand in marriage. Only thing is my Soon-To-Be has never met my Father. Tricky, tricky, tricky.

My Precious

27 days, I have to wait 27 days for my ring. I'm so hung up on this. Are we engaged, are we not engaged? I have started to plan the wedding, secretly, by myself, because as I have no ring yet it seems pointless telling anyone.
I want to tell someone. I need to tell someone otherwise I'm going to implode.

My ring is gorgeous though. I love it, I love it, I love it so much. I would swap my Soon-To-Be for it. *Evil grins*

Then and Now

I've had 3 serious boyfriends, my first was literally the boy next door. He was my best friend and I loved him so deeply. He was my first love and I would have given him everything, had he only asked. He was more interested however, in his X-Box and pot than me in the end. I left him eventually and I broke his heart. I met him again recently and he said he was still in love with me. He told me he knew how shit he had treated me and after 5 years had never managed to move on. That did a lot to make me feel better, but it was too little too late.
My second was, at the time so amazing. He was 23 and I was 17 and I was like, so grown up. Dating a real man, with a real job, with a real flat. I moved in with him and pretended to be grown up too. Along with this came some very bad decisions to leave college and have a baby. I was with him in all for 4 years. A long time and looking back the main appeal was the sex. He taught me that there was a thing called sex, and it involved much more than lying on your back with your legs open. I loved the sex, but when that grew stale, so did the relationship. I ended up breaking his heart too.
I left him for my now love and after just one kiss from him I knew. I cant explain how I knew. It wasn't a slow motion thing, it was a sense of knowing. Of rightness. I knew I would be with him and I knew I would marry him and I knew I would love him forever. He is mine and I am his and last weekend he cemented that when he bought my engagement ring.